This is something that I have been looking into for quite a while but this weeks parenting card gives me a chance to really think about it and put it into practice.
Now, I want to say that I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with praising your child. I think our children need to hear us say "I'm proud of you" or "You did a great job". That being said, I think that encouragement needs to greatly outweigh the praise. And since this is what I am going to be focusing on mainly this week (because it's an area where I need a lot of practice) I thought I should take the time to explain the differences and why this is important.
Praise is easy to dole out, you don't have to think about it. And because of this, it's often just an empty filler and I think our children sense this. When I simply say "good job", "good girl", "that is a beautiful drawing", etc. I am using empty praise. To encourage my child takes more thought on my part.
Research has shown that there are lasting effects of both praise and encouragement.
If a child constantly receives praise for everything they do, they will come to expect it and if they don't receive it, they will feel like a failure. Praise often comes with a judgement or evaluation such as "good" or "best". Evaluative praise creates anxiety, invites dependency, and evokes defensiveness. It is non-conducive to self-reliance, self-direction and self-control (Ginott, 1965). Encouragement, on the other hand, allows children to become self-motivated, faithful to themselves, and focused on following their own interests (Grille, 2005).
Praise teaches a child that their self-worth is dependent on what others think of them. Children who are constantly praised find their motivation from an outside source. Encouragement, on the other hand, teaches children that their self worth comes from within. Encouragement is empowering. There are no conditions and it isn't judgmental. The receiver is encouraged to make judgments of their own behavior, work, and ultimately, worth.
Here are some examples.
PRAISE:
"You're such a good girl."
"You're the best student in your class."
"You did it just like I told you to."
"You did great on your test. You are so smart."
ENCOURAGEMENT:
"I really appreciate your help."
"I knew you could do it."
"You did your best and you didn't give up."
"I have faith in you."
"You studied hard for your test and you got an A."
Like I mentioned before, encouragement makes you have to think instead of simply offering empty praise. Here are three kinds of encouragement that you can fall back on when you need some help.
1) Descriptive Encouragement: “I noticed….” – you have to think through this one, come up with something valuable and it really makes the child feel good, which encourages repeat behavior. For instance, when my daughter comes home and takes off her shoes and socks and puts them away without having to be told, instead of me telling her "good job", I can say, "I noticed that you put your shoes and socks away where they belong. Thank you."
2) Appreciative Encouragement: “I appreciate…” – again, this takes some work to think of something valid. “I appreciate the time you took to go back outside and put your toys away. Thank you.”
3) Empowering Encouragement: “I have faith, I believe, I trust, I know…” – these are more for when you’re trying to encourage action. “I believe you can do it. I have faith that you’ll figure it out.”
I know that using encouragement instead of constant empty praise is going to be hard work for me and that sometimes I am going to let a "good girl" or "nice job" slip. In those cases, you can always add a qualifier to make it more valuable. "Good job. You pet the dog gently and it made him happy. Do you see him wagging his tail?"
I read a blog post about praise vs. encouragement from the North American Montessori Center and I loved what it had to say about it so I will leave you with that. "Think of praise like a big, thick piece of chocolate cake. It tastes great and is good every once in a while. But we couldn't survive just eating cake. Encouragement is the nourishment our emotional body needs to sustain itself."
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