So, I didn't blog at all about last weeks parenting card, which was "compliments."
Monday, February 6, 2012
Playing catch up
Well, over the last 2 weeks we've had a virus pass through the whole family. My husband got it first and was sick for a good 5 days or so. Then, my daughter. For her it consisted of pretty bad croup and she was out for the count for a few days. Then, my son who was sick for 2 days. And finally myself. We are all finally on the tail end of it with just some coughing and congestion left.
So, I didn't blog at all about last weeks parenting card, which was "compliments."
I've been working on this one anyway as it goes along with the "encouragement" one a lot of times as well as the "family meetings" one. I'm not going to go into a lot on compliments as I think it's pretty straight forward but I do want to go back and expound a little on family meetings.
So, I didn't blog at all about last weeks parenting card, which was "compliments."
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Family Meetings
This week we are going to tackle "family meetings." If I am honest, I am a little unsure about this one. I think the idea of it is great but I really need to figure out how they are going to work. So, I am off to do some more research before I say anything more about this one.
Ok, I'm back. I just found this post and it's a great starting place so I am going to be following this for now.
http://www.positivediscipline.com/newsletters/family-meetings.html
Ok, I'm back. I just found this post and it's a great starting place so I am going to be following this for now.
http://www.positivediscipline.com/newsletters/family-meetings.html
Monday, January 16, 2012
This week...Connection before Correction
This weeks card is "Connection Before Correction". How perfect. I was able to see the effectiveness of this last week as I practiced encouragement.
There is so much research that shows that we cannot influence our children in a positive way unless we have created a connection with them. I know that I have seen this in my life. If I haven't taken the time to really connect with my child (by spending time, really listening, being affectionate, validating feelings and sharing feelings, etc.) then I usually am not in the right state of mind to be able to influence my child in a positive way and my child is not will to be influenced by me.
I've also noticed that if I take the time to connect and heal the relationship before correcting, then I am able to calm myself down if needed. Therefore, I am in a better state of mind and am able to work through a rational solution with my child rather than blurting out some punishment that really doesn't make sense and I immediately regret.
So, this week I am going to focus on connection, not punishment. I'm going to focus on hugs and listening and enjoying time with my children.
I am also going to keep working hard to change my definition of correction. Conventionally, correction often means punishment (punitive time-out, taking away privileges, etc.). I am trying to change my definition of correction to one of positive discipline. Rather than correction meaning me doing something TO my children, I want it to be finding a suitable solution WITH my children.
I've also noticed that if I take the time to connect and heal the relationship before correcting, then I am able to calm myself down if needed. Therefore, I am in a better state of mind and am able to work through a rational solution with my child rather than blurting out some punishment that really doesn't make sense and I immediately regret.
So, this week I am going to focus on connection, not punishment. I'm going to focus on hugs and listening and enjoying time with my children.
I am also going to keep working hard to change my definition of correction. Conventionally, correction often means punishment (punitive time-out, taking away privileges, etc.). I am trying to change my definition of correction to one of positive discipline. Rather than correction meaning me doing something TO my children, I want it to be finding a suitable solution WITH my children.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
7 Alternative to Telling Your Child "Good Job"
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Connection before correction
From the Positive Discipline Encouragement card: "Encourage by creating a connection before correction."
I put this into effect last night and it was amazing. I am on a bowling league on Tuesday nights. Eva comes with me and plays with her cousins (my sisters, brother-in-laws, and parents bowl on the same league) while I bowl. We were done bowling and it was time to leave. Eva was not listening to me and didn't want to leave. She walked away from me so I went and picked her up. She started kicking and screaming and just generally freaking out. Then, she hit me. After a moment of shock, I took her to the side and got down on her level and looked her in the eyes and tried to talk to her. But, she was still too upset. So, I told her that we needed to take break to calm down and hug. So, we hugged for a minute. After that moment of connection that allowed both of us to calm down, I was able to correct her behavior. We talked about how hitting is not ok, that it hurts and she apologized to me. We then decided together that if she ever throws a tantrum like that again when it is time to leave the bowling alley, that she would not be able to come with me to the bowling alley the following week. And then we calmly left the bowling alley together.
I had another breakthrough during this tantrum that my child threw. It was the first time that I can remember not worrying about what other people were thinking as I dealt with my child's behavior.
I am a people-pleaser. I avoid conflict. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I worry about what other people think of me. This has affected my parenting in the past because if my child is acting in a way that I think may make people uncomfortable or make people think I am a bad parent, I get easily stressed out and I handle the behavior in a way that I normally wouldn't and usually regret. But, last night, I simply focused on my child and what needed to happen. She was tired, it was past her bedtime. She was wired from playing with her cousins. Being as tired and wired as she was, she was not able to regulate her emotions and so she lashed out. I needed to help her regulate. Since I wasn't worried about anyone else, I was able to handle the situation in a way that stopped the bad behavior and made my daughter feel better.
I put this into effect last night and it was amazing. I am on a bowling league on Tuesday nights. Eva comes with me and plays with her cousins (my sisters, brother-in-laws, and parents bowl on the same league) while I bowl. We were done bowling and it was time to leave. Eva was not listening to me and didn't want to leave. She walked away from me so I went and picked her up. She started kicking and screaming and just generally freaking out. Then, she hit me. After a moment of shock, I took her to the side and got down on her level and looked her in the eyes and tried to talk to her. But, she was still too upset. So, I told her that we needed to take break to calm down and hug. So, we hugged for a minute. After that moment of connection that allowed both of us to calm down, I was able to correct her behavior. We talked about how hitting is not ok, that it hurts and she apologized to me. We then decided together that if she ever throws a tantrum like that again when it is time to leave the bowling alley, that she would not be able to come with me to the bowling alley the following week. And then we calmly left the bowling alley together.
I had another breakthrough during this tantrum that my child threw. It was the first time that I can remember not worrying about what other people were thinking as I dealt with my child's behavior.
I am a people-pleaser. I avoid conflict. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I worry about what other people think of me. This has affected my parenting in the past because if my child is acting in a way that I think may make people uncomfortable or make people think I am a bad parent, I get easily stressed out and I handle the behavior in a way that I normally wouldn't and usually regret. But, last night, I simply focused on my child and what needed to happen. She was tired, it was past her bedtime. She was wired from playing with her cousins. Being as tired and wired as she was, she was not able to regulate her emotions and so she lashed out. I needed to help her regulate. Since I wasn't worried about anyone else, I was able to handle the situation in a way that stopped the bad behavior and made my daughter feel better.
Encouragement VS. Praise
This is something that I have been looking into for quite a while but this weeks parenting card gives me a chance to really think about it and put it into practice.
Now, I want to say that I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with praising your child. I think our children need to hear us say "I'm proud of you" or "You did a great job". That being said, I think that encouragement needs to greatly outweigh the praise. And since this is what I am going to be focusing on mainly this week (because it's an area where I need a lot of practice) I thought I should take the time to explain the differences and why this is important.
Praise is easy to dole out, you don't have to think about it. And because of this, it's often just an empty filler and I think our children sense this. When I simply say "good job", "good girl", "that is a beautiful drawing", etc. I am using empty praise. To encourage my child takes more thought on my part.
Research has shown that there are lasting effects of both praise and encouragement.
If a child constantly receives praise for everything they do, they will come to expect it and if they don't receive it, they will feel like a failure. Praise often comes with a judgement or evaluation such as "good" or "best". Evaluative praise creates anxiety, invites dependency, and evokes defensiveness. It is non-conducive to self-reliance, self-direction and self-control (Ginott, 1965). Encouragement, on the other hand, allows children to become self-motivated, faithful to themselves, and focused on following their own interests (Grille, 2005).
Praise teaches a child that their self-worth is dependent on what others think of them. Children who are constantly praised find their motivation from an outside source. Encouragement, on the other hand, teaches children that their self worth comes from within. Encouragement is empowering. There are no conditions and it isn't judgmental. The receiver is encouraged to make judgments of their own behavior, work, and ultimately, worth.
Here are some examples.
PRAISE:
"You're such a good girl."
"You're the best student in your class."
"You did it just like I told you to."
"You did great on your test. You are so smart."
ENCOURAGEMENT:
"I really appreciate your help."
"I knew you could do it."
"You did your best and you didn't give up."
"I have faith in you."
"You studied hard for your test and you got an A."
Like I mentioned before, encouragement makes you have to think instead of simply offering empty praise. Here are three kinds of encouragement that you can fall back on when you need some help.
1) Descriptive Encouragement: “I noticed….” – you have to think through this one, come up with something valuable and it really makes the child feel good, which encourages repeat behavior. For instance, when my daughter comes home and takes off her shoes and socks and puts them away without having to be told, instead of me telling her "good job", I can say, "I noticed that you put your shoes and socks away where they belong. Thank you."
2) Appreciative Encouragement: “I appreciate…” – again, this takes some work to think of something valid. “I appreciate the time you took to go back outside and put your toys away. Thank you.”
3) Empowering Encouragement: “I have faith, I believe, I trust, I know…” – these are more for when you’re trying to encourage action. “I believe you can do it. I have faith that you’ll figure it out.”
I know that using encouragement instead of constant empty praise is going to be hard work for me and that sometimes I am going to let a "good girl" or "nice job" slip. In those cases, you can always add a qualifier to make it more valuable. "Good job. You pet the dog gently and it made him happy. Do you see him wagging his tail?"
I read a blog post about praise vs. encouragement from the North American Montessori Center and I loved what it had to say about it so I will leave you with that. "Think of praise like a big, thick piece of chocolate cake. It tastes great and is good every once in a while. But we couldn't survive just eating cake. Encouragement is the nourishment our emotional body needs to sustain itself."
Now, I want to say that I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with praising your child. I think our children need to hear us say "I'm proud of you" or "You did a great job". That being said, I think that encouragement needs to greatly outweigh the praise. And since this is what I am going to be focusing on mainly this week (because it's an area where I need a lot of practice) I thought I should take the time to explain the differences and why this is important.
Praise is easy to dole out, you don't have to think about it. And because of this, it's often just an empty filler and I think our children sense this. When I simply say "good job", "good girl", "that is a beautiful drawing", etc. I am using empty praise. To encourage my child takes more thought on my part.
Research has shown that there are lasting effects of both praise and encouragement.
If a child constantly receives praise for everything they do, they will come to expect it and if they don't receive it, they will feel like a failure. Praise often comes with a judgement or evaluation such as "good" or "best". Evaluative praise creates anxiety, invites dependency, and evokes defensiveness. It is non-conducive to self-reliance, self-direction and self-control (Ginott, 1965). Encouragement, on the other hand, allows children to become self-motivated, faithful to themselves, and focused on following their own interests (Grille, 2005).
Praise teaches a child that their self-worth is dependent on what others think of them. Children who are constantly praised find their motivation from an outside source. Encouragement, on the other hand, teaches children that their self worth comes from within. Encouragement is empowering. There are no conditions and it isn't judgmental. The receiver is encouraged to make judgments of their own behavior, work, and ultimately, worth.
Here are some examples.
PRAISE:
"You're such a good girl."
"You're the best student in your class."
"You did it just like I told you to."
"You did great on your test. You are so smart."
ENCOURAGEMENT:
"I really appreciate your help."
"I knew you could do it."
"You did your best and you didn't give up."
"I have faith in you."
"You studied hard for your test and you got an A."
Like I mentioned before, encouragement makes you have to think instead of simply offering empty praise. Here are three kinds of encouragement that you can fall back on when you need some help.
1) Descriptive Encouragement: “I noticed….” – you have to think through this one, come up with something valuable and it really makes the child feel good, which encourages repeat behavior. For instance, when my daughter comes home and takes off her shoes and socks and puts them away without having to be told, instead of me telling her "good job", I can say, "I noticed that you put your shoes and socks away where they belong. Thank you."
2) Appreciative Encouragement: “I appreciate…” – again, this takes some work to think of something valid. “I appreciate the time you took to go back outside and put your toys away. Thank you.”
3) Empowering Encouragement: “I have faith, I believe, I trust, I know…” – these are more for when you’re trying to encourage action. “I believe you can do it. I have faith that you’ll figure it out.”
I know that using encouragement instead of constant empty praise is going to be hard work for me and that sometimes I am going to let a "good girl" or "nice job" slip. In those cases, you can always add a qualifier to make it more valuable. "Good job. You pet the dog gently and it made him happy. Do you see him wagging his tail?"
I read a blog post about praise vs. encouragement from the North American Montessori Center and I loved what it had to say about it so I will leave you with that. "Think of praise like a big, thick piece of chocolate cake. It tastes great and is good every once in a while. But we couldn't survive just eating cake. Encouragement is the nourishment our emotional body needs to sustain itself."
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Encouragment
This weeks parenting discipline to practice is "encouragement". I am very much looking forward to this one because it's something I have been looking into for quite a while (encouragement vs. praise) and it's definitely something that I need the practice in.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Learning through listening
I knew there were certain aspects of listening that I needed to work on (interrupting being one of the big ones) but there was one aspect of listening that I thought I was pretty good at. And that is not ignoring. It drives me crazy when a parent ignores their child and the child is going, "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom." Well, this week as I have focused on listening, I realized that I'm not as good at that as I thought. I have a 4 year old daughter who asks a bajillion questions a day and I realized that I don't always take the time to answer her. Or if I am busy doing something, I will ignore her until she raises her voice with me and then I get angry at her for yelling at me. I also have a 1 year old son who is needy and clingy and sometimes I just want some me time so I ignore his cries for a minute so that I can finish posting on Facebook or reading my email or just trying to find some calm. As I was thinking about this the other day, I thought, "How do I feel when someone is ignoring me?" I don't know about you, but it doesn't make me feel very loved or important. In fact, it makes me feel pretty crappy and makes me angry. Do I want to cause those feelings in my child? The answer is certainly "no". So, this is one area I am definitely working on.
Some other things that I have noticed this week as I have focused on listening to my children:
1) Listening doesn't just mean listening to words, I need to listen to what my child's behavior is saying. As the saying goes, "actions speak louder than words."
2) When I really focus on listening to my child, it makes my child feel loved and important and therefore, happy. Which in turn, makes me feel happy. It's a win-win situation.
3) Since I am happier and calmer from my children being happier and calmer, I have more patience not only toward my children, but toward the driver in front of me who is driving so slowly or the lady in the checkout line who is taking forever.
4) When I listen to my children, they are much more willing to listen to me. If I will just listen to my daughter without interrupting her or showing her that I am not really listening by my actions or barking commands at her, but really listen until she has finished expressing whatever it is that she needs to express, then she is much more willing to listen to me (and do what I have asked of her without putting up a fight....it's like a miracle).
5) When I really listen to my children, I am getting to know who they really are. My children blow me away by how funny, smart, creative, loving, etc. they are but sometimes I don't take the time to see that. And when I am focusing on really listening to my child, I get to see the amazing little things about their personality that I might have otherwise missed.
6) Sometimes all my child needs to hear is, "I heard you". I've been amazed to see how those three little words can work wonders on changing the situation. My daughter can be frustrated and in the beginning of a melt-down and I say those three words and she instantly seems calmer and can start to work through her feelings. She just needed for her feelings and emotions to be validated and knowing that I've heard her does just that.
I am excited to continue this journey of becoming a better parent this year by focusing on these positive discipline cards. I think I will have to do this every year as a refresher course....I am sure I will need it. :)
Some other things that I have noticed this week as I have focused on listening to my children:
1) Listening doesn't just mean listening to words, I need to listen to what my child's behavior is saying. As the saying goes, "actions speak louder than words."
2) When I really focus on listening to my child, it makes my child feel loved and important and therefore, happy. Which in turn, makes me feel happy. It's a win-win situation.
3) Since I am happier and calmer from my children being happier and calmer, I have more patience not only toward my children, but toward the driver in front of me who is driving so slowly or the lady in the checkout line who is taking forever.
4) When I listen to my children, they are much more willing to listen to me. If I will just listen to my daughter without interrupting her or showing her that I am not really listening by my actions or barking commands at her, but really listen until she has finished expressing whatever it is that she needs to express, then she is much more willing to listen to me (and do what I have asked of her without putting up a fight....it's like a miracle).
5) When I really listen to my children, I am getting to know who they really are. My children blow me away by how funny, smart, creative, loving, etc. they are but sometimes I don't take the time to see that. And when I am focusing on really listening to my child, I get to see the amazing little things about their personality that I might have otherwise missed.
6) Sometimes all my child needs to hear is, "I heard you". I've been amazed to see how those three little words can work wonders on changing the situation. My daughter can be frustrated and in the beginning of a melt-down and I say those three words and she instantly seems calmer and can start to work through her feelings. She just needed for her feelings and emotions to be validated and knowing that I've heard her does just that.
I am excited to continue this journey of becoming a better parent this year by focusing on these positive discipline cards. I think I will have to do this every year as a refresher course....I am sure I will need it. :)
Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards
I ordered these cards and got them in the mail recently. I'm always looking for ideas to help me to parent positively and peacefully. I went to the Positive Discipline website and saw that there were a couple of people who were going to focus on one card per week during 2012 and blog about it. So, I am jumping on the bandwagon.
Below is the weekly schedule of parenting tools that I will be following:
Week 1 - Listen
Week 2 - Encouragement
Week 3 - Connection Before Correction
Week 4 - Family Meetings
Week 5 - Compliments
Week 6 - Routines
Week 7 - Special Time
Week 8 - Take Time for Training
Week 9 - Validate Feelings
Week 10 - Positive Time Out
Week 11 - Jobs
Week 12 - Mistakes
Week 13 - 3 R's of Recovery
Week 14 - Problem Solving
Week 15 - Limit Screen Time
Week 16 - Follow Through
Week 17 - Agreements
Week 18 - Focus On Solutions
Week 19 - Logical Consequences
Week 20 - Natural Consequences
Week 21 - Teach Children What to Do
Week 22 - Put Kids in the Same Boat
Week 23 - Allowances
Week 24 - Hugs
Week 25 - Wheel of Choice
Week 26 - Act Without Words
Week 27 - Understand the Brain
Week 28 - Back Talk
Week 29 - Winning Cooperation
Week 30 - Distract & Redirect
Week 31 - Decide What You Will Do
Week 32 - Practice
Week 33 - Empower Your Kids
Week 34 - Motivation
Week 35 - Kind and Firm
Week 36 - Pay Attention
Week 37 - Small Steps
Week 38 - Control Your Behavior
Week 39 - Sense of Humor
Week 40 - Silent Signals
Week 41 - Letting Go
Week 42 - Eye to Eye
Week 43 - Closet Listening
Week 44 - One Word
Week 45 - Show Faith
Week 46 - Break the Code
Week 47 - Avoid Pampering
Week 48 - Anger Wheel of Choice
Week 49 - Encouragement vs Praise
Week 50 - Limited Choices
Week 51 - Curiosity Questions
Week 52 - Mirror
Below is the weekly schedule of parenting tools that I will be following:
Week 1 - Listen
Week 2 - Encouragement
Week 3 - Connection Before Correction
Week 4 - Family Meetings
Week 5 - Compliments
Week 6 - Routines
Week 7 - Special Time
Week 8 - Take Time for Training
Week 9 - Validate Feelings
Week 10 - Positive Time Out
Week 11 - Jobs
Week 12 - Mistakes
Week 13 - 3 R's of Recovery
Week 14 - Problem Solving
Week 15 - Limit Screen Time
Week 16 - Follow Through
Week 17 - Agreements
Week 18 - Focus On Solutions
Week 19 - Logical Consequences
Week 20 - Natural Consequences
Week 21 - Teach Children What to Do
Week 22 - Put Kids in the Same Boat
Week 23 - Allowances
Week 24 - Hugs
Week 25 - Wheel of Choice
Week 26 - Act Without Words
Week 27 - Understand the Brain
Week 28 - Back Talk
Week 29 - Winning Cooperation
Week 30 - Distract & Redirect
Week 31 - Decide What You Will Do
Week 32 - Practice
Week 33 - Empower Your Kids
Week 34 - Motivation
Week 35 - Kind and Firm
Week 36 - Pay Attention
Week 37 - Small Steps
Week 38 - Control Your Behavior
Week 39 - Sense of Humor
Week 40 - Silent Signals
Week 41 - Letting Go
Week 42 - Eye to Eye
Week 43 - Closet Listening
Week 44 - One Word
Week 45 - Show Faith
Week 46 - Break the Code
Week 47 - Avoid Pampering
Week 48 - Anger Wheel of Choice
Week 49 - Encouragement vs Praise
Week 50 - Limited Choices
Week 51 - Curiosity Questions
Week 52 - Mirror
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)