Learning through listening

I knew there were certain aspects of listening that I needed to work on (interrupting being one of the big ones) but there was one aspect of listening that I thought I was pretty good at. And that is not ignoring. It drives me crazy when a parent ignores their child and the child is going, "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom." Well, this week as I have focused on listening, I realized that I'm not as good at that as I thought. I have a 4 year old daughter who asks a bajillion questions a day and I realized that I don't always take the time to answer her. Or if I am busy doing something, I will ignore her until she raises her voice with me and then I get angry at her for yelling at me. I also have a 1 year old son who is needy and clingy and sometimes I just want some me time so I ignore his cries for a minute so that I can finish posting on Facebook or reading my email or just trying to find some calm. As I was thinking about this the other day, I thought, "How do I feel when someone is ignoring me?" I don't know about you, but it doesn't make me feel very loved or important. In fact, it makes me feel pretty crappy and makes me angry. Do I want to cause those feelings in my child? The answer is certainly "no". So, this is one area I am definitely working on.

Some other things that I have noticed this week as I have focused on listening to my children:
1) Listening doesn't just mean listening to words, I need to listen to what my child's behavior is saying. As the saying goes, "actions speak louder than words."
2) When I really focus on listening to my child, it makes my child feel loved and important and therefore, happy. Which in turn, makes me feel happy. It's a win-win situation.
3) Since I am happier and calmer from my children being happier and calmer, I have more patience not only toward my children, but toward the driver in front of me who is driving so slowly or the lady in the checkout line who is taking forever.
4) When I listen to my children, they are much more willing to listen to me. If I will just listen to my daughter without interrupting her or showing her that I am not really listening by my actions or barking commands at her, but really listen until she has finished expressing whatever it is that she needs to express, then she is much more willing to listen to me (and do what I have asked of her without putting up a fight....it's like a miracle).
5) When I really listen to my children, I am getting to know who they really are. My children blow me away by how funny, smart, creative, loving, etc. they are but sometimes I don't take the time to see that. And when I am focusing on really listening to my child, I get to see the amazing little things about their personality that I might have otherwise missed.
6) Sometimes all my child needs to hear is, "I heard you". I've been amazed to see how those three little words can work wonders on changing the situation. My daughter can be frustrated and in the beginning of a melt-down and I say those three words and she instantly seems calmer and can start to work through her feelings. She just needed for her feelings and emotions to be validated and knowing that I've heard her does just that.

I am excited to continue this journey of becoming a better parent this year by focusing on these positive discipline cards. I think I will have to do this every year as a refresher course....I am sure I will need it. :)

Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards

I ordered these cards and got them in the mail recently. I'm always looking for ideas to help me to parent positively and peacefully. I went to the Positive Discipline website and saw that there were a couple of people who were going to focus on one card per week during 2012 and blog about it. So, I am jumping on the bandwagon.

Below is the weekly schedule of parenting tools that I will be following:

Week 1 - Listen
Week 2 - Encouragement
Week 3 - Connection Before Correction
Week 4 - Family Meetings
Week 5 - Compliments
Week 6 - Routines
Week 7 - Special Time
Week 8 - Take Time for Training
Week 9 - Validate Feelings
Week 10 - Positive Time Out
Week 11 - Jobs
Week 12 - Mistakes
Week 13 - 3 R's of Recovery
Week 14 - Problem Solving
Week 15 - Limit Screen Time
Week 16 - Follow Through
Week 17 - Agreements
Week 18 - Focus On Solutions
Week 19 - Logical Consequences
Week 20 - Natural Consequences
Week 21 - Teach Children What to Do
Week 22 - Put Kids in the Same Boat
Week 23 - Allowances
Week 24 - Hugs
Week 25 - Wheel of Choice
Week 26 - Act Without Words
Week 27 - Understand the Brain
Week 28 - Back Talk
Week 29 - Winning Cooperation
Week 30 - Distract & Redirect
Week 31 - Decide What You Will Do
Week 32 - Practice
Week 33 - Empower Your Kids
Week 34 - Motivation
Week 35 - Kind and Firm
Week 36 - Pay Attention
Week 37 - Small Steps
Week 38 - Control Your Behavior
Week 39 - Sense of Humor
Week 40 - Silent Signals
Week 41 - Letting Go
Week 42 - Eye to Eye
Week 43 - Closet Listening
Week 44 - One Word
Week 45 - Show Faith
Week 46 - Break the Code
Week 47 - Avoid Pampering
Week 48 - Anger Wheel of Choice
Week 49 - Encouragement vs Praise
Week 50 - Limited Choices
Week 51 - Curiosity Questions
Week 52 - Mirror